Titties and Beer

I’m a huge fan of wasting time and acting like a total jerk, so I figured that title was fitting since this entire post will document parts of my life.

I recently had a horrible incident with my laptop (not to be confused with a horrible indecency with my laptop, much to my spell checks chagrin) wherein the entire thing was destroyed. I was sitting there minding my own business when a friend of mine felt the need to pour a full glass of Kibao Vodka on it, accidentally of course. That’s probably a simplification of what happened but if you’ve ever lost a year of pictures and data you’ll understand.

Luckily baby mama is feeling pretty good lately and sent me her old netbook so I can use my teeny tiny fingers to type on the teeny tiny keyboard and do things like check my Facebook, Twitter, Muicbook and rant about stuff. Her exact words were:

“It’s good for checking e-mail and surfing the web, and for boys who feel the need to hydrate their computers.”

I figure that’s probably the least she could do based on the fact that my balls had produced the child. Had he sent me a scalpel, some hydrogen peroxide and a camera with a note that said “take care of that eyebrow piercing monstrosity and send me the pics” I would have been just as grateful, but this is more useful to me.

One thing I’ve noticed about this computer is that the backspace button is fixed if you don’t hit it twice. This might actually be better for me since I tend to type things like “I fucked your sister in the asshole with an mwiko.” When what I really meant to say was “I fucked your sister.” So the out of control backspacer takes care of all the useless words I didn’t really need. Turns out he may be more in tune with my needs than I ever imagined.

18 TILL I DIE (STOP DREAMING)

Am amazed at how many women lie about their age. One thing they don't realize is that the more one lies about unnecessary things, the more they stand to lose once the truth comes out.

This kind of deceit also erodes the confidence and trust your man had for you regardless of whether you already have three babies down the line. The big question every man will ask himself is what else you lied about so far. What I'd like to tell our ladies is this; not letting a man know your age or whether you have a baby until he commits to you puts a man in a fix and in case he decides to stay and continue wit the relationship, it will not be because he loves you more, but because he has spent more time wit you and he is not willing to go back to the dating game. Let the man know the basics about you so that he can make an informed decision at the beginning to avoid unnecessary tears.

Lying about your age and status will only give you short-term solutions in that you will hook up wit the man. Unfortunately, in the long-term, what you will encounter is turmoil and the man's love will wane even if he decides to stay in the relationship.

To my Kenyan sisters, jobless or not (pun intended), please know that it's not the age that matters but you, THE PERSON! Out there are men who prefer older women or women with children so stop doing yourself this injustice.

Anyway, don't let the quote 'MEN LIE, WOMEN LIE' be your motto

The Matatu Menance

What happened to the Michuki rules? The transport industry is in a mess. As am seated in this matatu going to meet who would be my future employer, i wonder why there is so much greed in the matatu industry.

'Wanne wanne kama pk' reads one of the stickers! 'Kupanda ni popote kushuka ni stage', reads another. 'Change ni ukikumbuka' makes me even wonder more, what if that was the only cash you had in your pocket and the makang'a, as the conductors are known, pulls a disappearing act with your money? That can be tragic to say the least. 'if you miss the driver, kiss the conductor' reads another...'Hakuna stage ya hapo dere'...the humor gets even better.

According to statistics, most accidents happen do too ignorance by the matatu drivers. Getting drunk is not an issue, BUT DRINKING-Mind you, its beer, not milk- AND DRIVING? That is suicidal. It turns even more tragic if the matatu is over loaded or 'Habiria wamekaa wanne wanne kama pk'!

We can't just place the blame only on the makang'a and dere or carrying excess passengers but also the matatu owners whos greed surpasses that of my dear MPig (pun intended). They want to make so much money at the expense of the commuters.

Am almost getting to my destination, please God let me reach safely. And my fellow jobless and job-full commuters, don't enter in an already full matatu. Wacha ushenzi, kua na ungwana! I rest my case.. .as i listen to collo's no more on my kabambe 3Giggers. Awt

Gender wars: Women should fight for what they want!

It is about time women stoop up to men in all spheres of life. The
argument over which is the superior sex has been going on for ages.
Men often brag about how they are the superior gender. It is not
unusual or out of the ordinary to hear a man saying that women are
stupid. When I was young, I heard this statement so frequently that I
came to believe it.

However, the emergence of the miss independent career woman has taken
me back from this mindset. The independent career woman is confident,
strong, independent and has proven that she can do anything that a man
can do, and sometimes, even better.

Women have fought for what they want and have been making steady
progress over the years. Take a glance at our roads today and you will
see many young women driving personal cars. This was not the case
years back, when the sight of a woman- let alone a young one - driving
was rare. To add it up, some of these women also own prime property.

Women have developed a go-getter attitude, which has been instrumental
in their progress. They are now venturing into careers that were
previously considered the preserve of men.

The 21st century woman is ambitious and has big dreams, so she is
first getting the necessary knowledge to advance in her career. As a
result, many women are today employed. They have disproved the
old-fashioned belief that a woman's place is in the kitchen.

Take India and Liberia for example, the current presidents are women.
And the seats were not given to them. They boldly stood up and
challenged men to get the top seat in their respective countries.

On the local scene, we have the late Prof Wangari Mathai (R.I.P), who
has fought political, social and environmental battles for this
country. I grew up hearing people say she was 'crazy'. They could not
understand why a member of the weaker sex was campaigning to save the
environment. Years later, due to the effects of climate change, her
critics now understand, when the damage has been done. When she
received the Nobel Peace Price in 2004, her critics were embarrassed.
R.I.P Prof Wangare Mathai!

Though some women have made remarkable achievements, others still lag
behind, believing they cannot make it on their own. That is why,
although they are educated and have great potential, they keep waiting
for some rich man to marry them.

Though we have men who have achieved a lot, others have proved that
there is nothing special or superior about being a man, as widely
believed. This is because of their shocking behavior. For example,
what men can defile children and rape women and girls, the worst form
of humiliation that can happen to both men and women?

Instead of us wasting time and energy trying to prove who ir superior
between men and women, which makes no sense, let us stop begging for
things we can get through hard work and determination and work for
what we want with the knowledge that what a man can achieve, a woman
also can. I rest my case.

Breaking News! Nairobi City Under Attack!

Two grenade blasts killed one person and wounded more than 20 in Nairobi on Monday, two days after the U.S. embassy warned of an imminent attack as Kenya fights Islamist rebels in Somalia.

According to Reuters grenade was thrown into a bar early in the morning, wounding 13 people, and police said a second device was thrown at a bus terminal in the capital just before 8 p.m. (1700 GMT), killing one person and leaving eight in a critical condition.

"There was an explosion but I thought it was a tire burst. When I looked around I saw about eight or nine bodies. One was bleeding from his neck. He clearly had breathing problems," witness Elias Ndungu told Reuters.

A security official at the scene, who declined to be named, said the grenade may have been thrown from a passing car.

The Kenya Red Cross said one person was killed and 13 had been rushed to hospital, eight of whom were in a critical condition. The bar attack wounded 13 people, though most had been treated and discharged by Monday evening.

Kenyan Police Commissioner Mathew Iteere said earlier on Monday there was no firm evidence yet to link the first attack to Somalia's al Shabaab rebels and senior officials from the group declined to comment on either blast.

Al Shabaab had threatened major reprisals if Kenyan troops did not leave the anarchic Horn of Africa nation and they have launched large-scale attacks in the past in Somalia and Uganda, for which they have quickly claimed responsibility.

Al Shabaab warned Burundi on Monday to pull its soldiers out of Somalia, where they are fighting the rebels alongside Ugandan soldiers in a 9,000-strong African Union force.

Nairobi blames al Shabaab for a series of kidnappings of foreigners on Kenyan soil that has threatened the country's multi-million dollar tourism industry. The group has denied responsibility for the kidnappings, saying Nairobi is using them as a pretext for its military campaign.

TROOPS ADVANCE

Kenyan troops have advanced on several fronts in southern Somalia since crossing the border just over a week ago and are nearing the strategic transit town of Afmadow, where rebels have regrouped and reinforced their defenses.

Somali government officials and residents said Kenyan and Somali troops seized the town of Busaar, about 40 km (25 miles) from border town El Wak, on Monday. They said the rebels fled after a brief exchange of fire.

France denied on Monday reports that its navy had been involved in any bombardment on Saturday of the Somali town of Kuday, near the port city and al Shabaab stronghold of Kismayu. It said no French warships were in the vicinity.

The grenade attacks came two days after the U.S. embassy warned of an imminent threat of reprisals on places where foreigners are known to congregate, such as malls and clubs.

The bar attacked on Monday, however, was small, rundown and in an area where foreigners rarely go drinking.

Witnesses said a man knocked on the door of Mwaura's bar, threw in the grenade and ran away.

"I heard an explosion, there was darkness and I thought the electricity had gone out but when I touched my face, there was blood," Lawrence Kioko told Reuters.

Iteere told a news conference the device was Russian-made and similar to one that killed two people in another bus station attack last December.

Reuters footage showed blood and beer bottles on the ground of the bar, which is frequented by laborers attracted by its cheap beer and spirits. Blood stained a sink and overturned seats and debris littered the floor.

"There was a lot of blood, injuries, people were screaming, others confused, generally it was chaotic. It was a chaotic situation," bar owner Charles Mwaura told Reuters.

Iteere said the police had boosted security around potential targets within Kenya. After the second blast, police warned Kenyans to be vigilant and banned the use of fireworks during the Hindu festival of Diwali.

"The people who would like to scare us will go for targets with a large number of people and therefore any place with a large number of people we must be vigilant, we must be extra careful," Charles Owino, deputy police spokesman, told Reuters.

Iteere also said police had found a number of AK-47 rifles at the weekend in the Dadaab refugee camp in northern Kenya, home to more than 400,000 Somalis.

SOMALI GOVERNMENT NOT PLEASED

Kenya is the latest of Somalia's neighbors to intervene militarily in a country without an effective government for the last 20 years. Kenya has in the past initiated brief cross-border incursions but the latest operation is on a larger scale, raising fears the country may be dragged into its conflict.

While Somali officials had said the two countries were cooperating in the fight against al Shabaab, President Sheikh Sharif Ahmed was more circumspect about the incursion on Monday.

"The Somali government and its people will not be pleased with Kenya's intervention," Sharif told reporters while visiting the frontline in Mogadishu. "We had not agreed with Kenya beyond helping us with logistics."

The Islamist militants launched large-scale suicide attacks within Somalia and Uganda and have warned they would bring the "flames of war" into Kenya.

This month, a suicide truck bombing claimed by the rebels killed more than 70 people at a compound housing government ministries in Somalia's capital Mogadishu.

The militants also claimed responsibility for a bomb attack in the Ugandan capital, Kampala, which killed 79 people watching the soccer World Cup final last year.

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO


(Additional reporting by Yara Bayoumy, Njuwa Maina, Noor Khamis, Fouad Khoeis, David Clarke and Ben Makori in Nairobi, Abdirahman Hussein, Abdi Sheikh, Sahra Abdi and Fesial Omar in Mogadishu; Writing by David Clarke; Editing by Michael Roddy)

Gaddafi : The end of an era

Gaddafi was one of the coolest African presidents we had. He died just five months after the most wanted international fugitive of the 21st Century, al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, met his end. Despite the fact that he was a dictator, I loved his sense of fashion (no-homo. His security detail was out of this world. who else in this world has hot mamacittas as the bodyguards? Kibaki? naaaah! Mugabe? naaah! So he wins again, Undisputed! Although his death was tragic and embarrassing, he really had his fun dictating Libya.

Passing through some social sites, I came across this funny Libyan version of Bonoko



"Gaddafi sio mwizi,alikuwa anauza MAFUTA
pale Libya,sasa alikutiriwa akikojoa na hao
maaskari wa USA,sasa,kuona
hatawangojea,akatoka bio,halafu
akapigwa risasi,sa kupigwo
risasi,akauriwo...sasa kuuriwo,wakakuja
na ki2 inaitwa
BONOKO,wakamuekerea...hata juzi
wameua OSAMA na wakamuekerea,huyo
sio mwizi..hata MUGABE atauriwa bure na
awekerewe BONOKO...Iyo ni buduki
fake,sasa kwao sijui..lakini alikuwa
ananiuzia mafuta ya bao ya kumi..na hata
wa2 wa OILIBYA wanamjua sio mwizi..."

More Pictures...

Rest In Piece. Hehehe. say hi to Osama, Saddam and Amin for me...awt!!!

Reasons why the iPad will never replace the newspaper

The newspaper has been the source of information since man knew how to write giving his full time hobby, which was scratching his balls, a boot. Then came Steve Jobs (R.I.P) with the iPad. I have no clue why he called it a pad but we may never know, after all, he has passed on. This really made me do my research.

The iPad will never replace the newspaper because:
1. With the economic crunch, you can't wipe your behind with an iPad after the tissue paper has decided to play 'GOTCHA!' with you, there remains the newspaper, the undisputed ass-wiper!
2. Just like any other broke-ass jobless person, when hunger pangs strike and you go to the butcher to buy tht kaquater nyama, an iPad can never be used to wrap that nyama.
3. Being a member of #TeamSonford, like many of you losers are, after that night out wherever, chips funga kujas in handy...what fungaz the chipos? You guessed it right, the newspaper.
4. I live downtown, the lower class level, but we prefer being said to be from the middle class, lower division. Now, if you are from that class, don't be ashamed, newspaper covers beautify the rust-covered mabati walls, nt iPads...

...to be continued! I overheard my neiba borrowing Mama Nyaguthie a piece of paper, i guess its that time of the month where having some tissue paper is like having a dollar! I have to go read the newspaper, jobs don't get advertised on iPads...

I am Jobless, I am a BITTER MAN

For the last 16 years, I been in school, spending all the God-given time on books that I thought would make me a better person later in life. "EDUCATION IS THE KEY" motto always kept me going, if I was using fuel then, I guess I would not have been through college, thanks to the ever rising prices of commodities in our county Kenya.

Right at this moment, am in a cyber looking over all the ads that are placed on different sites. All that is left is disappointment after reading the 'Experience needed' part. looking for internship too has turned into a night mare, because, in Kenya, its not what you know, ITS WHO YOU KNOW that may put some food on your table...AM A BITTER MAN!